How to be a Nomad.

The truth of being a Nomad #1

Many people have been asking me how Bali is, so I felt compelled to write a post today - a very honest and vulnerable post, because that is probably the most difficult question to answer for me at this point.

I don’t expect anybody to know my life but just to make this clear :

I am not on a vacation,  I am not living in Germany anymore, and I do not have a home anymore.

I’ve become a Nomad.

To be honest with you, I still am figuring out what it means to be a “Nomad” for myself and how I want to live my life as one.
One thing I can already say is that it is not the same as having vacations. It’s a total different dynamic and everyday I am reflecting on the new relationship I am building with my idea of
“travel” , “exploring” and “connecting” to cultures.

I would love to be able to say, Bali is amazing and I’m having tones of fun ! But the truth is, I’m not having really fun here (yet) and I cannot say much about Bali other than how beautiful and stunning the nature is - simply because I haven’t seen much from Bali yet(!) and also because there were many confrontations I’ve been facing already in the last two weeks since I’ve arrived here.

Currently I’m staying in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia, a place and a country I’ve never been before, a completely new land and cultures for me to discover.

I came here because I’ve always wanted to visit it, I’ve always been curious how it would feel like to be here. I had ideas and plans and ambitions, at the same time I came with an openness to whatever this place is ready to offer me.

What was expecting me here thus far are all my insecurities coming to the surface such as : fear of insects and animals, being intimidated easily by new environment and people, being a fuxxking chicken to explore new places on my own, feeling guilt for not being productive enough, feeling bad for being just lazy, feeling guilt, shame and uncomfortable as a White person and first world citizen, privileged tourist, almost feeling like I came to treat the people and the environment and culture here as a product or even worse as a zoo, feeling uncool for not being able to show off how much fun I can have even travelling alone and as a female.

Even though I keep telling myself to have patience with myself, that it is absolutely fine to feel all of this, I can feel the frustration knocking at my door almost every single day.

Look, I’ve got nothing - really absolutely NOTHING - to complain about :
I have a safe and clean and beautiful shelter, I’ve got a bed and hot water,
I can afford myself to eat out everyday and if I want I could just leave for a different place instantly. I came here because I chose to be here.
That’s the privilege and freedom I’ve got as someone coming from a privileged background and for all the effort I’d put into preparing myself for this kind of life.

Yes, this is all I wanted : FREEDOM.

What is the true meaning of FREEDOM, though ?
I may never find the true answer, but I do know what kind of freedom I am wishing for myself at this moment.
Feeling FREE from any kind of societal expectations and pressure,
FREE from conditionings and non serving believes, which are holding me back from being in alignment with myself,
FREE from ….

Now, this all may sound kinda little depressing and frustrating to you but there’s also good news as I am realising many important things for my life :

1. I don’t feel as lonely here because I literally am not alone.
   I am Surrounded by my friends and family virtually
   all over the world, and I am surrounded by mother nature -
   funny that I would ever say this, since I am so afraid of insects and animals lol. Nature is showing me of how nourishing it is, about it’s rhythm unique to this place, and has been introducing me to many new lives I had never seen before.

2. If I look back at how I’ve been living this year, I was extremely busy the last 6 months, which I am truly grateful for and it felt like a blessing.
   But the truth is that I haven’t been able to rest as much, or take care of myself not only physically and emotionally but also to just have
   TIME for MYSELF. It’s definitely blessing me with the opportunity to sort myself and my life in so many layers.
   It’s definitely a GIFT to have so much time for myself.

3. Bit by bit I am learning how to be the “Nomad” I want to be.

So, for everyone who has followed me this far, thank you for reading until the end, and … I appreciate your patience with me for processing, sorting and sharing my life.

Much love,

Kuriko